I remember a few years back as a new therapist I had a young
client come in for an intake with their parent. On their intake paperwork under
the What seems to be the problem
section, the child had written, I carry
the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember thinking thoughts such
as, wow that really sucks and I wonder what that feels like?
Fast forward a few years to present day and I find myself
periodically entangled in the pain-staking task of trying to carry the weight of the world on my
shoulders. If you’ve ever tried it, you will find it to be a ridiculous and
impossible/irrational task. Some of my colleagues explain it away as something
called “compassion fatigue” where you take on too much of the suffering you
hear from others as your own. Others have described as Seasonal Affective
Disorder where you get depressed with the changing in the seasons and the fact
that it stays darker longer.
I listened and agreed with all these scenarios. Ultimately,
I knew the cause and it is none of these listed above although possible
compounded by those reasons. I’m reminded of the passage in Matthew 14, where
bold Peter hurdled the side of a boat in the midst of a windy storm because
Jesus called to him to walk out on the water towards Him. Impulsive Peter was
doing great…while he kept his eyes on Jesus. The second he looked down and saw
the choppy waves and the wind and I suspect he might have thought something
like, holy crap, I’m walking on freaking
water here, that’s when it happened. He began to sink. Immediately his cry
was simply, “Lord save me!” and that’s just what Jesus did while reminding
Peter that he was of little faith and had no reason to doubt.
This is where I found myself very recently. I saw the storm,
the wind and ultimately the things that are completely out of my control in
this life and beyond. I was sinking for a while in intense anxiety and
depression. I reached out to a few
people. A wise person told me, “You’re trying to understand things that are
incomprehensible.” He reminded me that when we attempt to understand the
vastness of a God that is so big, we essentially are trying to shrink and
minimize a Creator that is too big for our pitifully small brain to fully
comprehend. Aside from trying to understand things too big for my brain, the
Matriarch (who is one of the few people I have allowed to help me with my
depression) reminded me how anxiety is a daily battle where we have to turn
things over to the Lord continually. We get crazy trying to control things that
are forever out of our control.
She was right and reminded me of verses that ministered to
my soul:
Isaiah 41:10- So do
not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will
strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 55:22- Cast your
cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be
shaken.
2 Timothy 1:7- for God
gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.
I’ve known all these verses literally my entire life. I’ve
known since I became a believer that I always needed to focus my eyes on
Christ. I also know as a cognitive therapist that irrational thoughts have to
be replaced with rational ones or else negative feelings will take over. A
portion of my depression has been my being infuriated with the fact that I’ve
gone through this scenario before. All this I’ve known and yet my gaze has
wavered and I began to sink. The process has been terrifying to say the least.
However, all is not lost. I’m finding divine hope again. I am eternally thankful
for a God that is there to grab hold of me before I go under. I am thankful for
the support and prayers of those around me who have acknowledged and normalized
my ridiculous fears and held my hand through the windy storm. The church has fulfilled
the ultimate divine task in offering messages and prayers of peace and hope for
my life. The matriarch and the coach have literally been my God-given go-to
people in the midst of everything. I’m not out of the woods as of yet, but I continually
pray and seek God’s presence. My spiritual eyes are undergoing the process of
refocusing my gaze on Christ.
I am blessed, thankful and prayerful.
For those that fall into waters of anxiety and depression
and just the yuckiness of life- seek out those in your world that can assist
you in refocusing your gaze where it belongs. Once you have allowed this visual
shift, the God of Peace will manage the rest, He’s pretty much all over it…and
has been all along.
Blessings,
Laura
No comments:
Post a Comment