[Disclaimer: to all the wonderful women, girls, mentors, sisters, gal-pals and besties that are invested in my life…don’t read too much into this post as it may not apply to you…if you find that it’s offensive…ask yourself why that is]
One of the greatest conundrums that I have ever mulled over throughout my twenty-five short years on this earth is the whole issue behind why the female gender seems to consistently be engaged in conflict with each other. Look around. You see it.
It’s the group of 5th grade girls that collectively exclude the former friend just because they decided to one day. It’s the high school girl that is spoken about in a negative light because she makes friends with all her male classmates. And it’s even the woman in the workplace that is smiled at through tight lips and given a shallow compliment when just moments before she entered the room was being tattled on to the supervisor.
Really this has baffled me ever since I can remember. It’s seems innate in some ways, yet learned in others. Ultimately women have relationships with one another yet they always seem to be on thin ice…one false step and they’ll plummet.
I interned for a time for a Psychologist and former grad school professor that bluntly asked me one day, “why are you all so mean to each other?” (by “you” he meant girls in general I promise). I replied with a profound, “hmmmm,” then set about trying to make sense of the matter. So far here’s what I found through contemplating, researching, questioning, praying and seeking advice from several wise people I’m fortunate to interact with.
Cat fights, drama and survival of the fittest aside, all conflict between the female gender seems to boil down to one key issue that we all possess BUT not all utilize (this is important to know so we're not all lumped in the same category with each other).
Continual defense mechanism: there’s no way to explain it other than to out my sex and state the fact that for women, we always have a wall up. It’s a defense and at times proves to be necessary. There’s always something that we’re trying to keep from others…how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, how much we're going to choose to share about ourselves and so on.
Now, try to keep up with this scenario because it gets complex, but then aren’t women known for being complex?
Watch an interaction between two girls when they meet. You’ll find that they tend to greet each other, size each other up and down and use that first impression determine whether the other is friend or foe. Some determining measures include physical appearance, personality and acquaintances that each girl associates themselves with to name a few.
Depending on the level of defense radiating from girl #1, girl #2 needs to determine if it’s a low enough defense that the two can be friends. If not, they usually won’t interact after the first greeting except on a surface/superficial level. If the defense is low in girl #1, then girl #2 will determine that the two can possibly be friends given the defense doesn’t raise on girl #1. Some tend to have high defenses yet maintain high-stakes interactions…sometimes this works but back-stabbing is always a threat should one do anything to tick the other off.
Confused? Good, it gets worse.
There are exceptions to this competitive standard that women seem to have with one another:
1. Physical attractiveness and age: if one is perceived to be less attractive than the other, the more attractive might decide that a competition is out of the question since there’s been an unspoken one-up (to put it bluntly). The same goes with one being older (or younger) than the other.
2. Family members: I'm purposefully avoiding the mother-daughter, sister-sister relationship scenario, therefore this exception is not addressed in my theory.
3. Lack of defensive nature: let’s face it, there are some women that are gracious to the point that their defense is not perceivable if it even exists. These are the ones that I prefer to surround myself with. Grace and a non-judgmental attitude win out in the end and is the most admirable quality that I find in any human being, let alone woman.
4. Grace of God: the defensive nature can also be used in conjunction with those that can’t see past themselves. Striving toward a more selfless personification will serve to make you a much more attractive friend, girlfriend, sister etc. This I’m determined can only be achieved by the grace and love that God gives us towards others. (1 John 4:7-8).
I once heard someone say that you can see a girl’s true character by the way she speaks about other girls. The truthfulness tied to this is so important to tuck away and ponder…how do your gal pals speak about others? In life it’s so important to be able to rely on one another and this can’t be done if we’re constantly defensive and trying to one up each other. Girls need to have the support of other females…this world is brutal enough without us turning on each other in jealousy and superficial pettiness.
SO, I hope this conveys the meaning that I’m attempting to get across. Keep in mind that it’s a just a portion of a much larger theory of mine that I’ve been populating for a long time and you can always choose to disagree if you wish.
~~~~~~~~
“A kindhearted woman gains honor…” Proverbs 11:16a
No comments:
Post a Comment