Unwritten

In the last post I made on here, I wrote about the road that we travel throughout the entirety of our lives. For some it’s a triumphant journey. For others, a haunted memory.

In addition to these musings that I’ve had of late, my mind has often been going back over the traveled road and saw the past for what it was...past, behind me, spent. All too often I’m reminded of the manner in which our past shapes the person that we become.

For some of us, our past is something that we’d like to forget…for others it may be something that we regret not doing more with. Still for some, the past is a bitter reminder of all the wrong or difficult turns made that could have been corrected if only we’d had the foresight to see the rough road up ahead.

There’s another aspect that’s important to consider when contemplating the precedent life that we were once a part of, and that is the fact that some of our past takes place regardless of the choices that we make. Life has a way of thrusting circumstances on us that are out of our control and for some, these circumstances can leave us devastated…yet others can walk away with a newfound sense of resolve in our step.

When I got hung up on the previous choices that were outlined in my past, I kept coming back to foolish circumstances that were of my own making. There was the relationship I had a with a friend that went terribly wrong…wrong to the point that we both walked away from the friendship creating irreparable damage in the process. Then there was a pivotal and devastating choice that I made in my late adolescence that haunted me for years. It seemed no matter where I turned, I couldn’t escape the acidic erosion my thoughts and self-blame were doing to my soul.

My guilt was like I was carrying around an oversized backpack in which I placed a new rock everyday. The bag kept getting heavier and heavier with each new rock, yet I still struggled day after day on my own, thoroughly convinced that I was the only person that knew how to handle a burden like this one. No matter how hard I tried to forget it was there, the weight was a constant reminder. It didn’t matter that I had many wonderful moments and joyful occasions throughout my life, I kept fixating on the few things done where I had messed up.

So let me then ask, why is it so hard to forget the wrong we’ve done, while all the good is so easily a fleeing thought? My childhood was a happy one and I came from a great family, yet there was draw to being held captive by guilt that made me discount all the positive.

After pondering this for several years I’ve reached somewhat of an intelligible conclusion. That being it is so hard for people to be forgiving…of others and especially of themselves. When I think about the work that God has done in my life, I’m constantly humbled and struck with awe at the old past burdens we cling to which He never faltered from forgiving. Even more important, I realized after several years of carrying my bag of guilt around, that I was inadequate to serve the God of forgiveness when I had failed miserably at forgiving myself.

After I received this revelation, I began to make daily attempts to forgive those that had wronged me…and to forgive myself.

Little by little, the rocks began dropping out of my guiltpack one by one…until finally one day I noticed the metaphorical spring in my step that happens when we finally relinquish to the Almighty and let Him take over our lives. After all, He's never let our wrongdoings get in the way of His love for us (in fact He doesn't even remember them once confessed), so why should we let ourselves get hung up on the guilt we've created?

A graduate professor of mine once explained that our lives are like a notebook full of paper. The first half of the pages have writing all through it while the second half is blank. The first half of the book is our written past and there’s nothing that we can do to change it. The second half however is the future that we face…and this is something that we most definitely can change so we might as well quit whining about the writing that’s been done so we can focus on what’s left to write.

Life still has its struggles but that’s just to be expected now. Now there are minimal rocks for me to carry around and when I find that I happen to have a few in my proverbial pockets, I chuck those babies out as soon as I can!

I strive to remind others to never be paralyzed by the written pages of our past…instead consider what amazing accomplishments can be achieved with your blank pages and let the Healer guide you.

The Road Less Traveled

Throughout our lives there are many circumstances that befall us that help to shape the individuals that we are continually becoming. (I use becoming since life is technically never fixated as we are constantly in a state of change). If I were to draw a diagram of a my life on an artist’s storyboard, I tend to doubt that it would look linear in anyway. The timeline would definitely be full of turns, curves and bends that all took me in a different direction than the one on which I started (began life).

Recently I’ve been reflecting on those turns and bends on my life’s highway, wondering what I would look like, feel like, or even act like if my timeline had remained relatively linear. When I step back from myself and objectively review my past traveled roads, I see that all the directional changes are individually unique based on the circumstances of that particular era.

Not all the turns are smooth.

While there are portions of the road that slope gradually around large bends on the highway (edged with beautiful scenery reminiscent of my childhood)…there are still other turns that look quite different.

These are the ones that branch off from the well-beaten path. Veer off from every fork in the road that is reached and these turns always bring change (usually unwelcomed). The dark stretches of treacherous pavement are a bitter reminder of some of the paths that I’ve chosen. I’m not proud to admit that I’ve been a traveler on such journeys, but as I reflect back on those circumstances that got me there, it’s plain to see that the excursion was a necessary one for my character.

We choose many of the paths that we’re one…and then we’re placed upon others. The ones that are chosen may not always be the right decision, but the King of the highway makes sure that the journey is utilized for a particular purpose. In my thinking, the purpose of these difficult journeys is for Him to reveal Himself…and to make me a more seasoned and diligent traveler.

A few years ago, I went down a dark road. It abounded with sharp and treacherous twists and turns and for much of the journey I was convinced I was all alone.

Looking back on it now, I realize the intense distortion that one develops in the midst of a depression in life. We truly believe that there is no way off the path we’re on…and worse still, we believe we’re the only travelers that have ever existed in such perilous circumstances.

However, God strategically places certain people in our paths that are almost impossible to ignore. These are the ones that get us to thinking about our present state and open our eyes to the possibility that there is a purpose for the trials of life. If we don’t acknowledge these well-placed former-travelers, we may go back to sadly believing we’ve been left alone on this road of peril.

For me, it took several reminders to be made aware that I was in the company of others. Peaceful and reassuring remarks from the mouths of the wise finally found a resting place on my heart and it was in those moments that I truly saw the dark pathway for what it really was…a journey for something greater than myself.

Essentially I saw the darkness as a stepping stone that led me back onto the road that radiated with sunlight and calming, overshadowing trees. This is where I found a newfound sense of gratitude and thankfulness for the darkness. I’m frequently reminded that these beautiful trails are not long lasting…the dark paths creep up all too often…however I’m thankful for the peace that washes over me following the trial no matter how short-lived it may be.

It may have taken many bitter tears, tormented days and sleepless nights to understand His purpose…but once revealed, I couldn’t have imagined getting to the light in any other possible way.

I’m reminded of these trials in Laura Story’s heartfelt song “Blessings” (see below); this song could only have been borne from personal experience with which we can so quickly relate.

Learning to Leap

There are times when I liken my faith to that of a young child, standing on the diving board of the deep end of the swimming pool, intensely contemplating whether or not they should jump off into the deep. In this scenario, there is a parent treading steadily in the deep water beckoning, coaxing and reassuring the small child that they will catch them when they jump. The child has no reason to doubt the encouragement of the parent-because after all, they’d never let their own baby sink to the murky bottom- and yet the child hesitates…contemplates…waits.

How is this like my faith?

Of course in this metaphorical narrative, I picture myself as the fearful youngster, not sure if I should trust the calm and reassuring words of the one already in the water. You might have guessed that the one waiting in the deep is my heavenly Father. He’s given me promise after promise that He knows what’s best for me…I’ve been instructed in His unconditional love and faithfulness to me since infancy…and time and time again, I find myself in this same predicament.

I so often stand on the edge not sure if I should take the leap into the deep. He tells me over and over that He’s there and will take care of me…He’ll catch me He says. I really have no reason to doubt His word… I’ve heard over and over again about how He’s caught all the others who’ve jumped before me…

…yet I hesitate…

This is where life gets frustrating. The inner conflict that I go through is one of two entities in my being fighting amongst each other. The one screams to just jump and see what happens…trust. The other reasons that you really don’t know if you’ll be caught or not so you better just sit tight…doubt.

I’ve found myself on the edge too many times to count and all too often…sadly… I turn and walk off the diving board, leaving the faithful Father expectantly treading in the water. I’m dejected knowing that I most likely just missed out on something wonderful.

How do I know?

From the others that already jumped.

They have incredibly thrilling testimonies to tell of what happened to them after their leap…I know that I’ve missed out…many times.

But the day finally came when I cried out to the Father in the deep, asking for His help and direction…His response was what I dreaded to hear.

You have to jump out here.

So at long last…after too many years had gone by…I took a deep breath…stood shakily on the edge…closed my eyes…and jumped.

You might not be too surprised to find out that I was caught after all. Not only that but the process of jumping was exhilarating! I’m filled with shame and regret in my realization of what a petrified fool that I’ve been all this time. Not only that, but there’s a sense of annoyed silliness when I see what I’ve been afraid of all this time. Not the deep water…but my own self doubt.

Take this scenario… I’m sure we’ve all been there …and think to the time in your life when you stood on the edge, contemplating what seemed like an ominous and overwhelming leap of faith across a vast chasm into the arms of the Father.

How long did you teeter before leaping?

Or did you simply plunge right in, always assuming (having faith) the Father would catch you?

I’m beginning to see how we approach this situation all throughout our lives. Time and time again, there will be a chasm to jump across, deep waters to jump into, or that cliff to leap off. Every time the Father will be there… arms already wide open even before our decisive feet leave the surface of the edge. Will you be surprised when you’re caught up in His arms?

Hopefully, we’ll always be able to say, “I knew You had me.”

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Praise the LORD, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.

Psalm 117

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Ch-ch-changes

Change.

Let’s face it…this is a concept that’s not always welcomed. Due to recent political slogans and intense global debates, this word has either been overused and under-executed or vice versa…but I’m not going to start anything on here concerning government or politics…

On a personal scale, the word ‘change’ can hold many different meanings for a person depending on their situation, but the truth is, it’s always going to leave a lasting impression on that individual no matter their circumstances.

Change can be brought about for a variety of reasons in any environment. For some, change is unexpected and the individual has no control over the occurrence, such as a death in the family, freak accident etc. In these situations, the change is not welcomed but the key here is learning to adapt and incorporate the change into one’s life.

Sometimes change is thrust upon us by others in our lives. This could be our parents prodding us into a college, our spouse attempting to persuade us to buy that rental property and become a landlord, or our sister insisting that you look like a ‘freaking model’ in that extremely over-priced dress and you should therefore buy it. This kind of change does not always leave a positive impact, but at least in these situations there is a sense of control over the change because after all, we were the ones that made the decision to attend that college or purchase that dress.

The final type of change that I’ve been mulling over lately is the change that is sought after. Some examples of sought-after change can be one making their girlfriend/boyfriend their fiancé, one making the decision to change their appearance (weight, looks, clothes etc.), or even one deciding to move to a new city.

For some people, change is a hard lump to swallow (especially when it’s the spontaneous kind); expected change can even be difficult to incorporate when it’s met with anxious feelings and uncertainty about what’s to come. For me, I’ve sought after a particular change with a burning desire for quite some time.

The sad part of this story is that I prayed for the change to happen and halfheartedly expected God to bring the results about.

A few weeks ago in church, the pastor preached a message on prayer that essentially spoke to me about the change that I specifically desired but was not expecting to see, (after a long period of getting my hopes up and seeing them fizzle out, I was discouraged my change would never come about…to say the least). In his message he remarked that so often Christians pray for a specific request yet lack the faith that God will bring about results; I was struck with conviction, sitting there in my pew, realizing that I was not confident that the God of the universe would bring about the change that I so desperately desired.

After this message I got to thinking about the expectations that one should have when they pray but rarely seem to. In the movie “Facing the Giants” the coach of the football team talks to his players about preparing for metaphorical rain after the prayers have been sent up for it, and in the film they are greatly blessed by their preparations.

So with the Sunday sermon and the lesson from a cinematic dialogue in mind, I sought to do just that…I prepared for rain. Hesitantly at first, but gradually I became enthusiastic.

My burning desire for change quickly became my passionate prayer for God to reveal a part of his plan for my life. Either way I knew that change would come, and I wanted to be on board for whatever came my way!

The awesome part here is, I began one week with preparations for rain and had the confident thought, this week, I’ll hear back from God…and you know what?

I did.

The lesson that God was teaching me for the past year was sharply driven home; this lesson was compiled with exuberant joy and gratitude, yet tinged with a degree of guilt. I knew that I should’ve had greater expectations that God would bring about His work in my life on HIS timetable instead of the other way around. In the midst of my hindsight though, I still find it an extraordinary blessing to have seen God bring about a ‘change’ in my life, and even though the hardships have been there, I know that the in the midst of them, God was working on me.

Teaching me.

Reminding me.

Loving me.

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¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

^{Jeremiah 29:11-13}

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Royal Buzz

I’m not gonna lie, all this talk of Royal Wedding hoopla originally had me annoyed and worn out in the same manner as most of this country. Facebook and Twitter posts alike have displayed their authors burned out grievances with talk of the upcoming royal nuptials for Prince William and British commoner Kate Middleton. Every morning when I finish my workout, I often tune into the Today Show while preparing breakfast for the Coach and I, and every morning the Coach expressed disdain with the ever-present Royal chatter in the media. I can’t really blame him, it was constantly being thrust in our faces on the television, radio and plastered on the cover of every magazine cover available.

What annoyed me the most about the media coverage of the people involved in the royal event, was the insane focus on the trivial and mundane details of the occasion. For example, one morning on the Today Show, Meredith Vieira presented a segment based on a paparazzi photo of Kate Middleton wearing her hair up while she was driving into London. The question surrounding her up-do asked if this is how the potential-future queen would choose to wear her hair after joining the royal family. Really? There’s so much war, destruction and catastrophic disasters going on in the world at this time and the only thing the media focuses on is a minute hair style?? It’s an active up-do that us girls frequently wrap our hair into without giving it a second thought, yet no one leeches on to us and pesters why we chose that sloppy hair style for the day. I guess that’s because we’re not in the process of landing a British prince…

Albeit in the midst of all the buzz, I realized that there was something about the event that fascinated me and drew me to the occasion. You might say that the initial reaction was merely curiosity in regards to the royal family that we seem to hear so little about on this side of “the pond.” But the more that I thought about it, the more I tried to explain my thoughts about the wedding to the Coach who has grown increasingly annoyed with the whole affair.

I explained to him that in addition to this occasion being one of tradition, I think it’s important to point that it’s a historical moment that we don’t get to witness that often. My mother remembers when Lady Diana wed Prince Charles and in turn I will be able to one day tell my children that I remembered when Prince William married Princess Kate. Also, I tried to explain to the Coach that this Royal Wedding is the ULTIMATE fairytale. We’ve all seen the Hollywood-ized princess movies involving the regular girl-next-door-turned-princess and I think most of us watch with a twinge knowing that it’s a fairytale story very much unlike reality. It’s a story that we might fantasize could happen to us, but since we know it doesn’t, we chose to lose ourselves in the fantasy and escape reality by watching the cutesey storylines on the big screen. But our fantasy is HER reality.

Despite my better judgment, I strangely found myself awake at 5:30 a.m. last Friday morning and even stranger I found myself walking into the living room and tuning into the wedding coverage on NBC. I flipped on the tube with the lowest and most cynical of curious expectations, but was shocked and surprised with myself in the second I saw the prince gaze fondly on his bride and heard the melodious chorale of the Westminster Abbey boys leading the congregation in singing “Jerusalem.” I must say there was a stirring in my heart at that moment that I was not expecting.

And it wasn’t because I was enraptured with the glorious details surrounding the members of the wedding party and family of the common bride; it wasn’t because I was thrilled to find out what talented designer pieced together the wedding gown; it wasn’t because this was a royal occasion taking place to secure the future of a European nation; and it definitely wasn’t because I frequently get caught up in the romanticized projection of pop-culture lifestyles and fantasies.

Ultimately what got me was this.

There was a man. And he loved a woman. So much, that he had to ensure he got to spend the rest of his life with her. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t royalty or anybody famous. He chose her to be his partner for life, and where she came from mattered little to him. The sweetest thing about it still is that when you find your best friend in a sea of people, you can’t bear the thought of not being with them everyday for the rest of your life.

It doesn’t matter who we are or where we come from; ultimately, if you’re a happily married, engaged or in-a-relationship woman, you have a prince gazing adoringly at you whether it be from across the restaurant dinner table, living room or front lawn. He doesn’t care that you can’t cook like his mother, or that you look like a corpse bride in the wee hours of the morning, or that you occasionally burst into maniacal tears for seemingly no reason.

He chose you….to be his…

Now THAT is kind of special.

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The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”Gen. 2:18

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Learn to be Lonely

If you’re like any normal individual you might have found yourself at one time or another feeling rather forlorn...isolated...possibly even lonely. So many people seem to think that they’re inflicted with a disease when these feelings of aloneness come upon them. The first reaction for most is to let the world know that we need entertained and this is usually done through the idle text messages sent out, the random walk or drive to a location that we know friends will be, or even the occasional outreach on Facebook accomplished through the obnoxious “I’m bored, text me” posts.

I’ve studied on this quirk of humanity (as I tend to do with all human behaviors), and reached several conclusions about why some people just can’t seem to stand being alone. Let me also clarify the term ‘being alone’ as a feeling that we sometimes experience—it’s not necessarily indicative of being in a secluded place away from other forms of life (people).

The first notion that came to my mind concerning this lack of solitude is that we’re uncomfortable when we find ourselves alone. Behavioral research has shown that change occurs when we’re most uncomfortable, therefore when one notices the unsettling feelings of loneliness, some might immediately seek out a reason to terminate these feelings (hence the texting, facebook etc). Another thought about this reasoning (which ultimately goes back to being uncomfortable) might be that some of us just don’t know ourselves well enough to dwell with just us and our thoughts. Or we might not recognize the importance of being alone with just ourselves, therefore some might instantly flick on the television or ipod to drown out the solitude.

Those that have a restless spirit (myself included) find it difficult to settle down and just be. I often wonder why it is that some seem to find solace only other people? What is so difficult about finding a comfortable balance of solitude in ourselves?

After contemplating on this for quite some time, I decided it was time to start getting to know myself apart from all the rest (other people and distractions), and it has become something I’ve been working at constantly. It’s not easy at first, but then again every relationship takes work including the one you have with yourself. I started out just sitting at my kitchen table staring outside and letting my mind wander...contemplating life, happiness, feelings and daydreaming about what those elements brought to oneself.

You might not be too surprised to find out that when true solitude takes place, you start to notice someone else other than yourself…Him.

He showed up.

Or at least I finally noticed Him.

He’d been there all along, just waiting for me to slow it down and get away from all the distractions life was causing.

When I distinguished His presence apart from myself, solitude became so much more.

It actually became rather…full.

Now I recognize Him everywhere. In the crisp early spring morning as my Asics pound the pavement for several miles. In the damp October evenings when I step outside on my porch just to inhale the night air. In the face of a young child innocently experiencing life’s joys for the first time.

We don’t always talk…Him and I.

Sometimes I talk to Him, and other times I just acknowledge Him and recognize His presence.

I’ve come to realize throughout this process of self-discovery that it’s okay to be lonely. That’s when the prime opportunity for noticing Him might appear. So the next time you ‘feel’ you’re being slain with boredom or loneliness, try something new. Instead of tapping out an idle text, jumping on Facebook to click around, or cranking up the music or television, try to work on your relationship with yourself.

Take notice of the thoughts that pass through your mind. Focus on one train and let it take you other places.

Then…think-or rather- dwell on that place in your mind.

You might be surprised at what…or Whom…might be there waiting.

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-..."Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." -1 Kings 9:11b-12

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