Learning to Leap

There are times when I liken my faith to that of a young child, standing on the diving board of the deep end of the swimming pool, intensely contemplating whether or not they should jump off into the deep. In this scenario, there is a parent treading steadily in the deep water beckoning, coaxing and reassuring the small child that they will catch them when they jump. The child has no reason to doubt the encouragement of the parent-because after all, they’d never let their own baby sink to the murky bottom- and yet the child hesitates…contemplates…waits.

How is this like my faith?

Of course in this metaphorical narrative, I picture myself as the fearful youngster, not sure if I should trust the calm and reassuring words of the one already in the water. You might have guessed that the one waiting in the deep is my heavenly Father. He’s given me promise after promise that He knows what’s best for me…I’ve been instructed in His unconditional love and faithfulness to me since infancy…and time and time again, I find myself in this same predicament.

I so often stand on the edge not sure if I should take the leap into the deep. He tells me over and over that He’s there and will take care of me…He’ll catch me He says. I really have no reason to doubt His word… I’ve heard over and over again about how He’s caught all the others who’ve jumped before me…

…yet I hesitate…

This is where life gets frustrating. The inner conflict that I go through is one of two entities in my being fighting amongst each other. The one screams to just jump and see what happens…trust. The other reasons that you really don’t know if you’ll be caught or not so you better just sit tight…doubt.

I’ve found myself on the edge too many times to count and all too often…sadly… I turn and walk off the diving board, leaving the faithful Father expectantly treading in the water. I’m dejected knowing that I most likely just missed out on something wonderful.

How do I know?

From the others that already jumped.

They have incredibly thrilling testimonies to tell of what happened to them after their leap…I know that I’ve missed out…many times.

But the day finally came when I cried out to the Father in the deep, asking for His help and direction…His response was what I dreaded to hear.

You have to jump out here.

So at long last…after too many years had gone by…I took a deep breath…stood shakily on the edge…closed my eyes…and jumped.

You might not be too surprised to find out that I was caught after all. Not only that but the process of jumping was exhilarating! I’m filled with shame and regret in my realization of what a petrified fool that I’ve been all this time. Not only that, but there’s a sense of annoyed silliness when I see what I’ve been afraid of all this time. Not the deep water…but my own self doubt.

Take this scenario… I’m sure we’ve all been there …and think to the time in your life when you stood on the edge, contemplating what seemed like an ominous and overwhelming leap of faith across a vast chasm into the arms of the Father.

How long did you teeter before leaping?

Or did you simply plunge right in, always assuming (having faith) the Father would catch you?

I’m beginning to see how we approach this situation all throughout our lives. Time and time again, there will be a chasm to jump across, deep waters to jump into, or that cliff to leap off. Every time the Father will be there… arms already wide open even before our decisive feet leave the surface of the edge. Will you be surprised when you’re caught up in His arms?

Hopefully, we’ll always be able to say, “I knew You had me.”

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Praise the LORD, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.

Psalm 117

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Ch-ch-changes

Change.

Let’s face it…this is a concept that’s not always welcomed. Due to recent political slogans and intense global debates, this word has either been overused and under-executed or vice versa…but I’m not going to start anything on here concerning government or politics…

On a personal scale, the word ‘change’ can hold many different meanings for a person depending on their situation, but the truth is, it’s always going to leave a lasting impression on that individual no matter their circumstances.

Change can be brought about for a variety of reasons in any environment. For some, change is unexpected and the individual has no control over the occurrence, such as a death in the family, freak accident etc. In these situations, the change is not welcomed but the key here is learning to adapt and incorporate the change into one’s life.

Sometimes change is thrust upon us by others in our lives. This could be our parents prodding us into a college, our spouse attempting to persuade us to buy that rental property and become a landlord, or our sister insisting that you look like a ‘freaking model’ in that extremely over-priced dress and you should therefore buy it. This kind of change does not always leave a positive impact, but at least in these situations there is a sense of control over the change because after all, we were the ones that made the decision to attend that college or purchase that dress.

The final type of change that I’ve been mulling over lately is the change that is sought after. Some examples of sought-after change can be one making their girlfriend/boyfriend their fiancé, one making the decision to change their appearance (weight, looks, clothes etc.), or even one deciding to move to a new city.

For some people, change is a hard lump to swallow (especially when it’s the spontaneous kind); expected change can even be difficult to incorporate when it’s met with anxious feelings and uncertainty about what’s to come. For me, I’ve sought after a particular change with a burning desire for quite some time.

The sad part of this story is that I prayed for the change to happen and halfheartedly expected God to bring the results about.

A few weeks ago in church, the pastor preached a message on prayer that essentially spoke to me about the change that I specifically desired but was not expecting to see, (after a long period of getting my hopes up and seeing them fizzle out, I was discouraged my change would never come about…to say the least). In his message he remarked that so often Christians pray for a specific request yet lack the faith that God will bring about results; I was struck with conviction, sitting there in my pew, realizing that I was not confident that the God of the universe would bring about the change that I so desperately desired.

After this message I got to thinking about the expectations that one should have when they pray but rarely seem to. In the movie “Facing the Giants” the coach of the football team talks to his players about preparing for metaphorical rain after the prayers have been sent up for it, and in the film they are greatly blessed by their preparations.

So with the Sunday sermon and the lesson from a cinematic dialogue in mind, I sought to do just that…I prepared for rain. Hesitantly at first, but gradually I became enthusiastic.

My burning desire for change quickly became my passionate prayer for God to reveal a part of his plan for my life. Either way I knew that change would come, and I wanted to be on board for whatever came my way!

The awesome part here is, I began one week with preparations for rain and had the confident thought, this week, I’ll hear back from God…and you know what?

I did.

The lesson that God was teaching me for the past year was sharply driven home; this lesson was compiled with exuberant joy and gratitude, yet tinged with a degree of guilt. I knew that I should’ve had greater expectations that God would bring about His work in my life on HIS timetable instead of the other way around. In the midst of my hindsight though, I still find it an extraordinary blessing to have seen God bring about a ‘change’ in my life, and even though the hardships have been there, I know that the in the midst of them, God was working on me.

Teaching me.

Reminding me.

Loving me.

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¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

^{Jeremiah 29:11-13}

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Royal Buzz

I’m not gonna lie, all this talk of Royal Wedding hoopla originally had me annoyed and worn out in the same manner as most of this country. Facebook and Twitter posts alike have displayed their authors burned out grievances with talk of the upcoming royal nuptials for Prince William and British commoner Kate Middleton. Every morning when I finish my workout, I often tune into the Today Show while preparing breakfast for the Coach and I, and every morning the Coach expressed disdain with the ever-present Royal chatter in the media. I can’t really blame him, it was constantly being thrust in our faces on the television, radio and plastered on the cover of every magazine cover available.

What annoyed me the most about the media coverage of the people involved in the royal event, was the insane focus on the trivial and mundane details of the occasion. For example, one morning on the Today Show, Meredith Vieira presented a segment based on a paparazzi photo of Kate Middleton wearing her hair up while she was driving into London. The question surrounding her up-do asked if this is how the potential-future queen would choose to wear her hair after joining the royal family. Really? There’s so much war, destruction and catastrophic disasters going on in the world at this time and the only thing the media focuses on is a minute hair style?? It’s an active up-do that us girls frequently wrap our hair into without giving it a second thought, yet no one leeches on to us and pesters why we chose that sloppy hair style for the day. I guess that’s because we’re not in the process of landing a British prince…

Albeit in the midst of all the buzz, I realized that there was something about the event that fascinated me and drew me to the occasion. You might say that the initial reaction was merely curiosity in regards to the royal family that we seem to hear so little about on this side of “the pond.” But the more that I thought about it, the more I tried to explain my thoughts about the wedding to the Coach who has grown increasingly annoyed with the whole affair.

I explained to him that in addition to this occasion being one of tradition, I think it’s important to point that it’s a historical moment that we don’t get to witness that often. My mother remembers when Lady Diana wed Prince Charles and in turn I will be able to one day tell my children that I remembered when Prince William married Princess Kate. Also, I tried to explain to the Coach that this Royal Wedding is the ULTIMATE fairytale. We’ve all seen the Hollywood-ized princess movies involving the regular girl-next-door-turned-princess and I think most of us watch with a twinge knowing that it’s a fairytale story very much unlike reality. It’s a story that we might fantasize could happen to us, but since we know it doesn’t, we chose to lose ourselves in the fantasy and escape reality by watching the cutesey storylines on the big screen. But our fantasy is HER reality.

Despite my better judgment, I strangely found myself awake at 5:30 a.m. last Friday morning and even stranger I found myself walking into the living room and tuning into the wedding coverage on NBC. I flipped on the tube with the lowest and most cynical of curious expectations, but was shocked and surprised with myself in the second I saw the prince gaze fondly on his bride and heard the melodious chorale of the Westminster Abbey boys leading the congregation in singing “Jerusalem.” I must say there was a stirring in my heart at that moment that I was not expecting.

And it wasn’t because I was enraptured with the glorious details surrounding the members of the wedding party and family of the common bride; it wasn’t because I was thrilled to find out what talented designer pieced together the wedding gown; it wasn’t because this was a royal occasion taking place to secure the future of a European nation; and it definitely wasn’t because I frequently get caught up in the romanticized projection of pop-culture lifestyles and fantasies.

Ultimately what got me was this.

There was a man. And he loved a woman. So much, that he had to ensure he got to spend the rest of his life with her. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t royalty or anybody famous. He chose her to be his partner for life, and where she came from mattered little to him. The sweetest thing about it still is that when you find your best friend in a sea of people, you can’t bear the thought of not being with them everyday for the rest of your life.

It doesn’t matter who we are or where we come from; ultimately, if you’re a happily married, engaged or in-a-relationship woman, you have a prince gazing adoringly at you whether it be from across the restaurant dinner table, living room or front lawn. He doesn’t care that you can’t cook like his mother, or that you look like a corpse bride in the wee hours of the morning, or that you occasionally burst into maniacal tears for seemingly no reason.

He chose you….to be his…

Now THAT is kind of special.

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The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”Gen. 2:18

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Learn to be Lonely

If you’re like any normal individual you might have found yourself at one time or another feeling rather forlorn...isolated...possibly even lonely. So many people seem to think that they’re inflicted with a disease when these feelings of aloneness come upon them. The first reaction for most is to let the world know that we need entertained and this is usually done through the idle text messages sent out, the random walk or drive to a location that we know friends will be, or even the occasional outreach on Facebook accomplished through the obnoxious “I’m bored, text me” posts.

I’ve studied on this quirk of humanity (as I tend to do with all human behaviors), and reached several conclusions about why some people just can’t seem to stand being alone. Let me also clarify the term ‘being alone’ as a feeling that we sometimes experience—it’s not necessarily indicative of being in a secluded place away from other forms of life (people).

The first notion that came to my mind concerning this lack of solitude is that we’re uncomfortable when we find ourselves alone. Behavioral research has shown that change occurs when we’re most uncomfortable, therefore when one notices the unsettling feelings of loneliness, some might immediately seek out a reason to terminate these feelings (hence the texting, facebook etc). Another thought about this reasoning (which ultimately goes back to being uncomfortable) might be that some of us just don’t know ourselves well enough to dwell with just us and our thoughts. Or we might not recognize the importance of being alone with just ourselves, therefore some might instantly flick on the television or ipod to drown out the solitude.

Those that have a restless spirit (myself included) find it difficult to settle down and just be. I often wonder why it is that some seem to find solace only other people? What is so difficult about finding a comfortable balance of solitude in ourselves?

After contemplating on this for quite some time, I decided it was time to start getting to know myself apart from all the rest (other people and distractions), and it has become something I’ve been working at constantly. It’s not easy at first, but then again every relationship takes work including the one you have with yourself. I started out just sitting at my kitchen table staring outside and letting my mind wander...contemplating life, happiness, feelings and daydreaming about what those elements brought to oneself.

You might not be too surprised to find out that when true solitude takes place, you start to notice someone else other than yourself…Him.

He showed up.

Or at least I finally noticed Him.

He’d been there all along, just waiting for me to slow it down and get away from all the distractions life was causing.

When I distinguished His presence apart from myself, solitude became so much more.

It actually became rather…full.

Now I recognize Him everywhere. In the crisp early spring morning as my Asics pound the pavement for several miles. In the damp October evenings when I step outside on my porch just to inhale the night air. In the face of a young child innocently experiencing life’s joys for the first time.

We don’t always talk…Him and I.

Sometimes I talk to Him, and other times I just acknowledge Him and recognize His presence.

I’ve come to realize throughout this process of self-discovery that it’s okay to be lonely. That’s when the prime opportunity for noticing Him might appear. So the next time you ‘feel’ you’re being slain with boredom or loneliness, try something new. Instead of tapping out an idle text, jumping on Facebook to click around, or cranking up the music or television, try to work on your relationship with yourself.

Take notice of the thoughts that pass through your mind. Focus on one train and let it take you other places.

Then…think-or rather- dwell on that place in your mind.

You might be surprised at what…or Whom…might be there waiting.

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-..."Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." -1 Kings 9:11b-12

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slow down

Ever since April of 2009, I have been working on my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy (for those that I have told numerous times, yet seem to always forget :) and ever since that day, the work has not stopped! Lately my life has been one filled with a tremendous amount of schoolwork; so much in fact, that I was starting to wonder what it was like to be engaged in something other than academic assignments. Recently I finished compiling a dense project known as a Clinical Competency report and this is essentially the crux of my program. This involved my observations in the assessment and treatment of a client at m practicum site; needless to say, this project took me several months to work on and complete.

With the project finished and graded and my next class starting at a later date, I now find myself wandering aimlessly through the house (or the yard) feeling like I should be studying or typing or doing something to work towards a deadline! I could always be studying up for the next class in a couple of weeks, but lets face it, a chronic procrastinator works better with a tight deadline and 3 weeks is still a much too far away time frame that doesn't deserve my anxiety...yet. This recent turn of events have left me wondering what it will be like after I graduate. Will I wander aimlessly around my neighborhood or will this be the time for me to embark on learning a new hobby? It's been so long since I've had anything remotely close to a hobby, so my doors are open for anything new and exciting. I get the sneaky suspicion thought that I might feel incomplete when not enrolled in school; I mean when I sit down and think about it, I have been involved in institutionalized learning for the past 20 years of my life....that's a big deal...and not a habit that can be easily replaced I'm thinking...oh well.

My thoughts also turn to those in similar situations who end up graduating from higher learning with the feeling that they're incomplete unless they're submitting assignments and engaging in mandatory readings all before a selected deadline. I already have the fear of becoming a "professional student" and the insane thing is, I think sometimes I would be okay with that! Then I'm reminded of the average-sized house that I owe in student loans and reality sets back in....

In correlation, I wonder what would happen- or how different my life would be- if I put as much study and effort into furthering my relationship with Christ as I did with school. Needless to say this realization was met with surprise and yes, even shame when I thought about how my spiritual life could be different. In this fast-paced world, it's so easy to assume that we have more important things to do or we're too busy accomplishing tasks that NEED to done by a certain date, but the fact of the matter is, we become so used to the busyness and habits that it becomes easy to push the important things to a back burner. Remember to slow down.......maybe even stop.....breath.....focus on what's important.

puppy love

Everyday life is full of asking questions we already know the answers to; directing a statement or action at a person or situation in order to get a specified response. Each situation is an implication of what we experience in our cognitive processing routines; we know what's expected of the situation, therefore we direct our command or question in such a way to illicit the desired response.

There have been many situations in which I felt the pressure of the moment called for a specified reaction; case in point, when a man asks his girl to marry him, the desired response-which he hopefully assumes she will answer to- is of course "yes"; when a thinly-veiled critic comes from a close friend or spouse concerning our appearance, we assume the position that they want us to change and/or stay the way that we are -depending on the situation. Saying, "I like it when you wear your hair that way," assumes that the viewer intends for the viewee to continue wearing his/her way "that way."

This isn't anything new, we've been brought up this way and our culture reeks of predictability and subtly placed commands disguised as hints during interpersonal interactions. Society maintains at times that we remain detached from heart-felt feelings; maybe if we showed we had heart, we would be expected to fix the ache, mend the relationship, comfort the grieving.

My particular and personal beef has recently extended from maintaining a flat affect when in certain situations where expressed emotions might be more accepted or even appropriate. Flat affect is a term that describes a reduction in emotional expressiveness- in layman's terms, it's the person that keeps the stoic expression throughout a funeral or the one that remains straight faced during a a comedy routine. I know this is a feeble attempt at describing the term but it'll have to do.

Over the past few years I've all but reached the conclusion that I was heartless. This stemmed from an uncanny ability to watch or participate in emotionally heavy situations without allowing any heartfelt behaviors to show themselves;these situations included watching touching movies scenes without twitching one facial muscle; sitting through a relative's funeral without coming even remotely close to tears; having a dear sister collapse in my arms expressing nothing but grief about her current life situation...all this and more and still, I felt heartless.

Since I had already resigned myself to lack the feelings that the rest of the world seems to already have, I was unprepared for the situation which I faced today. The Coach and I are preparing to leave town for the weekend with other family members; we enjoy traveling especially since we can usually take our spoiled rotten 10-pound pekapoo along with us. We unknowingly have elevated him to "people status" in our family and he gets his name put in all the Christmas cards now- which is something I originally thought extremely silly and swore that I would never do.

For this weekend, we are going to be gone to a destination that is not doggy-friendly and we had originally planned on leaving him with friends. However, all of the usual dog-sitters that we occasionally leave our pup with are going to be out of town for the holiday leaving us with the only option to board our pride and joy with- yep, his veterinarian. After much deliberation, discussion and anxiety, I suddenly found myself driving to the vet this afternoon with my furry friend who is just happy to be with me even though he doesn't know where we are going.

It all happened so fast.

We arrived. They took. I left.

Walking out of the vet's office and to my car with thoughts of my poor puppy being alone and scared racing through my mind, I suddenly had a strange moment. While it was happening, I had had a sudden vision of Timothy Mouse on Disney's Dumbo, watching Dumbo's mother rock her baby from the inside of her solitary confinement cell. He looked with surprise as a larger-than-life tear appeared on his face and this is undoubtedly the way that I looked at the tear that sneakily appeared on my cheek.

It appeared that I do have heart after all, a misplaced direction of heart it may be, but just the same an emotion-filled experience. The tears lasted for about a mile down the road and throughout my insignificant but still sorrowful grieving process, I couldn't help but feel a small amount of relief and yes, even pride that I, Laura Moore, am after all, not heartless.

Get Real

About a week ago, a conversation took place between myself and two of the female students that I have in small group; there was an undeniable amount of attention directed towards the authenticity (or lack thereof) of most individuals that we interact with on a regular basis. Needless to say most of these unauthentic and unspoken individuals that we were picturing in our minds all happened to be of the female gender.

A probing question that kept coming up during our conversation was, why is it that people seem to lack a genuine ability to be authentic? There's always something to be revealed or to be kept hidden especially among women. I am of the belief that women are continually undergoing a process of keeping some aspect about themselves hidden. We seem to think we can't let our guard down for fear of discovery or for fear that we will reveal that we actually have fears and doubts and maybe at times moments of irrationality.

I'm not meaning to badger too much on the female gender because men can be just as guilty of unauthenticity as women. Society warrants that we not reveal too much and not care so much for the well-being of others it would seem. Think about the last time you ran into an old friend or an acquaintance in public...perhaps the conversation went something like this: "Hey how are doing?" "Good!" "That's great" "It's good to see you!"and etc....

Think about it...was it really great to see them? Did you really want to know how their job was going or did you feel like you had to ask for the sake of the conversation? On the flip side, maybe you weren't feeling great but saying that you were doing good just happened to be the more socially accepted and most common response to that question...

In my opinion, people need to start getting real with each other. Remember the whole bit on honesty being the best policy? If society and our cultural norms didn't stand in our way, we definitely be a people radiating authenticity and true genuineness comes straight from the heart.